Sequins on the Zoom

Thoughts on automats, corn, salons and Stallone.

It’s the first Friday in December, which means it’s time to guzzle a hot toddy while marathoning John Waters’ favorite movies of 2022. (This new list of the top 100 films of all time is pretty solid, too.)

Scattered histories and assessments:

Part 1: Corn pudding

My daughter tested positive for the flu the day before Thanksgiving. She’s fine now, but when I saw that 102-degree temperature, I nearly lost my mind. It has been so long since she was sick, I felt like I’d forgotten what to do. So I let her dictate the day, which meant she ate five lime popsicles and we watched Prince music videos all afternoon. In the one for “Raspberry Beret” – I don’t think I’d seen it before – he wears a cloud suit and sports a hairstyle reminiscent of my high school gym teacher, Ms. Ventura.

When Thursday rolled around, I told her I was still going to cook, and she could eat everything or nothing. She ate everything, especially a) corn pudding, made from my grandmother’s simple recipe (see above); and b) green bean casserole, made from the recipe that has adorned the side of the French’s fried onion can since the dawn of time. (I also made a Tofurkey because she’s a vegetarian; I swear it’s better than you think, but of course even a trenchcoat tastes amazing if you drown it in gravy.)  

Part 2: “The Automat”

I give my kid control of the TV way too often, so over the weekend I put on a bunch of stuff and either she had to watch with me or leave the room. One of these was The Automat, a documentary about the iconic self-serve restaurants that thrived in New York and Philadelphia for decades until fast food killed ‘em all. We adored it.

Mel Brooks and Ruth Bader Ginsberg pop up to share memories of getting steaks and cakes and coffee from the automat for a nickel or two. Can you imagine?? This morning I spent seven bucks on a box of Cheerios.

The Starbucks CEO also appears in the film (which is on HBO Max) and says automats inspired his business. I try not to go to Starbucks unless I have to, but I will say it’s the only place that serves coffee hot enough to please me.

Part 3: “Three Salons at the Seaside” / “Two Hairdressers in Bagglyport”

My grandmother called the hair salon the “beauty shop,” and she went weekly until the day she fell down in the parking lot outside and could never return. Salons are sacred places where we expose our physical and emotional roots – we have conversations there we wouldn’t have anywhere else, we make fast friends with the stranger sitting two feet away. I go every five weeks. It’s my favorite day of the month by a mile and the only place where I can enjoy a chunk of alone time while also being surrounded by a loving community.

I’m prompted to say all of this by, of all things, the Documentary Now! series that was created by Bill Hader, Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers and Rhys Thomas. Cate Blanchett stars in an outstanding recent episode, “Two Hairdressers of Bagglyport,” which parodies a 40-minute British documentary called Three Salons at the Seaside. The 1994 doc follows the owners and patrons of three small-town beauty salons in Blackpool, England. Watching it, you’re a fly on the wall as these old ladies chatter about their sick or dead husbands and get a fresh permanent. I’d never heard of the film before seeing the Documentary Now! takeoff, and it is perfect in every way. See it on YouTube for free; I bought “Two Hairdressers of Bagglyport” on Amazon for $1.99.

Part 4: “The Overstory”

I started reading Richard Powers’ Pulitzer-Prize winning novel The Overstory, which I heard is supposed to make me “rethink nature.” I tend to side with Fran Leibowitz when it comes to nature, in that I view it as the thing I encounter on my way to sit inside a beautiful building. 

In any case, page 16 has an incredible paragraph that you can read for free if you’re so inclined. (Just click “Look Inside.”) In less than a page, the author travels through generations of joy and loss. All you need to know is it’s about a guy who takes a picture of a majestic chestnut tree once a week, just like his father and grandfather did before him.

I found this book on the sidewalk in near-perfect condition. Someone had placed a bookmark only a few pages in – I didn’t take note of the page, but I like to think they read that incredible paragraph on page 16 and then just fell to the ground, dropping the novel as they convulsed into paroxysms of joy.

Part 5: Batman/Superman

Over the holiday the kid and I also watched the 1966 Batman movie that stars Adam West as “Dad Bod Batman” (her term) and was released after the first season of the original TV series. By the way, Batman was only around for a couple years, from ‘66-’68, but in that time they produced 120 EPISODES.

Years ago I met Adam West at San Diego Comic-Con. He was quietly sitting at a booth by himself, signing merch and shaking hands. I can’t remember if it was the same year I talked to Julie Newmar and she suddenly jumped on the table, like a cat. She was in her 70s.

Semi-related: My dear friend Dean Haspiel drew a Superman comic that’s on sale this week. How cool is that?! One panel (above) pays tribute to the iconic image from 1938’s Action Comics #1, though Dean updated it by turning the car into a Tesla and putting himself in the bottom left corner. If I ever write a Superman story, it’s gonna take place in the Smoky Mountains, where Supes and Lois go to Dollywood and then run into Lex Luthor at Hillbilly Golf.

Anyway, Dean’s art can be found in Superman: Kal-El Returns Special #1, in comics shops nationwide.

Part 6: “Tulsa King”

Sylvester Stallone’s face has become a Cubist masterpiece. I’ve only seen the first episode of Tulsa King, and while the dialogue didn’t make my ears dance – one should always be forgiving of a pilot – visually, it’s a 42-minute visit to The Met. That mashed potato nose, those meaty cheeks, the puffed-pastry forehead … I’ll take the whole shepherd’s pie.

Tulsa King is about a New York mobster sent to Oklahoma. There are jokes and jabs. Don’t think too hard about it.

Notes on notes

1 - I wrote the 18-minute film Denny Barracuda and am very proud of it. Watch it on Vimeo for $1.99. If you like it, please spread the word in a public manner, because that’ll help me afford to make another one.

2 - I’m about to post new diary comics on Patreon. You can see them for as little as two bucks a month. That kinda dough won’t even get you one piddly ride on the NYC subway.

3 - What are you up to/into? You have 29 days to complete your New Year’s resolutions.

Reach out anytime at whitmath@gmail.com.

from under the hairdryer,
whit