Answer the phone, Bill Murray ☎
*ring ring*
You: Hello?
Me: Quick—tell me something you did today that you didn't do yesterday.
You: Grandpa, is that you?
Me: Funny. But seriously, I'm starting to feel like a song on repeat.
You: I get it. You're "Groundhog Day"-ing.
Me: Right idea, wrong Murray. It's more like I'm "Caddyshack"-ing, because I'm unhinged and incoherent. I'm "Kingpin"-ing, because I'm restless and my hair looks insane.
You: You're "Lost in Translation"-ing, because—
Me: I'm a middle-aged man infatuated with Scarlett Johansson. I know. (pause) So tell me something you did today that's different from yesterday.
You: Um ... I Googled myself.
Me: And?
You: Someone with the same name as me has written a lot of "Friends" fan fiction. (pause) Anyway, what have you really been up to this week? Any TV? Movies? Weird dreams?
Me: I'm still watching STAR TREK: DISCOVERY, because social-distance violations don't really bother me if they're in space. BETTER THINGS' Father's Day episode was perfect. I love TCM's new podcast, THE PLOT THICKENS, which is all about the stunning life and career of Peter Bogdanovich. Michael Stipe sounded lovely on the Pathway to Paris livestream. And I had a crazy dream about a human-sized lobster.
You: Did you look up what that means?
Me: Yep, it means I need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
You: What are other folks recommending?
Me: Pete K. is pumped about this I.R.S. Records documentary. Jaime B. says Josh Homme's podcast makes for fun quarantine listening. Paul H. digs this ranking of the top 50 Bob Dylan songs. Amy P. told me about Robyn Hitchcock's upcoming livestreams. Robert S. found a cool '90s doc called NEW ORDER STORY on YouTube. And oh, take a look at this poem Chad sent:
You: That's great. Who wrote it?
Me: Richard Brautigan. It's from his book REVENGE OF THE LAWN, which I ordered right after reading it. And hey, I have to show you something else. Michael M., who has been reading my stuff forever, told me he was trying to explain Pop Candy to his kids--that's how old I am!--and they have been CREATING THEIR OWN:
You: Whoa, that's fantastic.
Me: It's the best! I know I said I'm losing my mind a little--we all are--but now that I feel healthier, writing and making stuff helps me get through this more than anything else. That and my new bike.
You: You got a bike?
Me: Yep. For my birthday, I treated myself to a bike and a kimono.
You: Just don't use them at the same time.
You: So hey, thanks for listening. I'm feeling a little less "Caddyshack" and a little more "Tootsie."
Me: I'm not gonna ask what that means, but you're welcome.
You: OK. Well, I should go. Email me if you wanna at whitmath@gmail.com. Or call me at 929-515-1988. Or find me on Twitter, Instagram--
Me: You're very reachable.
You: Reachable, just not touchable. Bye now.
Me: Bye, Whitney.
*click*
“Once you believe things are permanent, you're trapped in a world without doors.”
— Genesis P-Orridge (R.I.P.)