Newsletter: I just called to say ...
You: Hello?
Me: You've seen The Royal Tenenbaums, right?
You: You really just launch right into a conversation, don't you? No pleasantries, no small talk--
Me: I'll have time for small talk when I'm dead, man! (pauses) So you know that scene in The Royal Tenenbaums where they go in the closet, and it's full of old board games?
You: Of course. That's a great movie.
Me: It is. Anyway, last weekend I was cleaning the apartment and realized I'd unintentionally acquired a closet full of board games.
You: Congrats.
Me: Unfortunately, I had to get rid of a bunch because I really needed the space.
You: They live in a huge house in that movie. There must be at least 30 closets.
Me: God, I dream of having that many closets.
You: Dream bigger.
You: So please tell me you've done more than clean closets this week.
Me: Well, I interviewed Myla Goldberg, who's so talented and amazing. I watched a lovely short film called THE NEIGHBOR'S WINDOW, which my friend Davy Rothbart worked on and was just nominated for an Academy Award. You can see it online for free.
You: By the way, what did you think of the Oscar nominees?
Me: It's hard for me to get excited about that stuff, but they're OK. I still need to see PARASITE and JOJO RABBIT. And hmm, let me think ... I may travel somewhere to see the Archers of Loaf reunion. There's a band called Eyelids that's right up my alley; Peter Buck produced their new record. And the new Michael Stipe single is growing on me--I mean, that voice is still 100% magic. Nothing else like it.
You: Any podcasts?
Me: Ooh, our friends Josh Mills and Ben Model just went on Gilbert Gottfried's podcast to talk about Ernie Kovacs. The wonderful Drew Droege went on YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE, and I hope everyone comes to New York to see his one-man play, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOUG. And the TALKHOUSE podcast had a recent convesation between Suzi Quatro and L7's Donita Sparks! There's a new doc about Suzi, too.
You: You texted me a strange photo the other day.
Me: Oh the typed letter? A longtime reader named Jim Ross sent that to me--it's this amazing rejection letter from 1914 that he found in an old book. Jim kind of specializes in finding stuff in old books; he found a 1954 Brooklyn Dodgers baseball card in one once.
You: That's awesome.
Me: Isn't it? Curiosity pays off sometimes. Speaking of, have you heard of Unclaimed Baggage?
You: Is that a band?
Me: No, it's an actual place in Alabama where you can see and purchase unclaimed clothing, jewelry, books, bags and what have you from a bunch of airlines. Anyway, they're going on a huge nationwide tour this year. Maybe I'll go and get some unclaimed pants.
You: Unclaimed Pants would make a good band name.
Me: Would it, though?
You: OK, so on TV--
Me: --I got you. There's some good stuff premiering in the next few days: First, a new season of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM starts Sunday. My life is better when Richard Lewis is in it. Also that night is the premiere of AVENUE 5, the new futuristic comedy from VEEP's Armando Iannucci. Awkwafina's new Comedy Central series debuts Jan. 22, and it looks hilarious. Fortune Feimster has a new Netflix comedy special. And CBS All Access is gonna pick up plenty of new eyes for STAR TREK: PICARD. Whew!
You: So hey, thanks for all this. I need to start recording these conversations.
Me: I'll send you the transcript. And you know what? I'll send it to your friends, if they wanna subscribe.
You: This almost sounds like an ad. Are you getting paid for this? Should *I* be getting paid for this?
Me: I don't get paid at all for doing this newsletter. But I'm on Patreon, where folks can support my work in a monetary fashion if they so desire.
You: (in game-show host voice) You're also reachable at whitmath@gmail.com and via 929-515-1988. And you love hearing from people, because that means they care!
Me: Well, if you're gonna promote me like that, maybe I should be paying you.
You: It's cool, I'm actually a millionaire.
Me: Seriously?
You: Of course not. I'm fact, I'm wearing unclaimed pants right now.
Me: Aren't we all. OK, have a good day. Thanks for listening. And give my love to--
*click*