Special "fake phone call" edition!
You: Hello?
Me: How many newsletters do you get each week?
You: Uh, I'm not sure ...
Me: Like less than 10?
You: It's hard to say, since I don't ... oh, never mind.
Me: What? What don't you do?
You: Read them all.
Me: Right. Hmm. But you save the unread ones, don't you? I mean, they're not just deleted and lost in the ether.
You: So um, what'd you do last night? That new Netflix show is kind of wild. Uncut Gems is pretty good, right? And oh, Buck Henry—
Me: Oh, lordy.
You: I save 'em all, Whitney. Every single one.
Me: I hope so. And yeah, it's a bummer about Buck Henry.
You: I print all your newsletters and hang them on my bathroom wall.
Me: Now you're creeping me out.
You: But really, what have you been doing this week? Are you seein' plays? Cookin' stews?
Me: The other night I saw MYSTIFY, the new Michael Hutchence documentary.
You: Ah, tell me more.
Me: It's poignant and lovely and has tons of incredible footage, because Michael Hutchence took a video camera everywhere he went. And the live performances are mind-blowing. I mean, can you name a more beautiful rock star of the last 40 years?
You: Bono.
Me: I think Hutchence beats him in the raw sexiness department. But they did interview Bono for this documentary, along with Kylie Minogue and Helena Christensen and members of the band and his family. The tragic thing is, after all these years, somehow I hadn't realized he had suffered brain damage that drastically changed his mood and personality.
You: That's terrible.
Me: The movie also made me think that, yes, rock 'n' roll really is dead. Just try to name a contemporary rock band that could fill Wembley Stadium. There's no one! It makes me terribly sad, but I have to believe it'll all come back around.
You: Everything comes back around.
Me. And nothing is sexier than the sound of a guitar.
You: What about podcasts? Any good ones lately?
Me: DOLLY PARTON'S AMERICA just wrapped, and it was fantastic. I don't have one complaint, except I wish it were 12 hours longer! I hope Jad Abumrad and Shima Oliaee have another project up their sleeves. And oh, the AMERICAN MASTERS PODCAST is a gem, particularly the recent conversation between Ethan Hawke and Josh Hamilton. They've known each other forever, and Ethan is really open and shares some fun stories about Sam Shepard and EXPLORERS and stuff that I'd never heard before.
You: Oh, did you hear Maron's chat with Brad and Leo?
Me: Yeah. It's OK, but it's not particularly revealing. Once you cut out all the ads and commentary about the sound equipment, it's about 20 minutes of goofing around. But, you know, a *bad* Brad/Leo conversation is still worth hearing. Right?
You: Perhaps. Anything else?
Me: Johnny Pemberton does a wonderfully strange podcast called LIVE TO TAPE where he experiments with sound and isn't afraid to get super-weird. My favorite comedian Howard Kremer was on there recently, and I loved it. And this is a total 180 from that, but Liz Phair talked about motherhood, divorce and her new memoir on DEATH, SEX & MONEY, which is another favorite show of mine.
You: How do you listen to so many of these?
Me: Usually with a toilet brush in one hand and a margarita in the other.
Me: So there's also some stuff coming up I wanna tell you about.
You: It's almost as if you've scripted this conversation.
Me: Almost! OK, MEDICAL POLICE premieres today on Netflix and is gonna appeal to anyone who dug CHILDRENS HOSPITAL on Adult Swim. And I'm psyched about HBO'S THE OUTSIDER, the Stephen King adaptation that stars Jason Bateman and Ben Mendelsohn and debuts Sunday. Leslie Jones has a Netflix comedy special out next week. And Josh Thomas' new show, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY, premieres next week. He did PLEASE LIKE ME, which was hugely underrated.
You: What else? What about movies? And hey, did you watch the Golden Globes?
Me: This is usually a horrible month for movies, although I can't wait until VHYES comes out Jan. 17, because it looks hilarious and strange in the best possible way. And nope, I have zero interest in awards shows. I've seen how the sausage is made, and it ain't pretty.
You: By the way, I have a confession: I still don't totally understand what Patreon is.
Me: That's OK, I can try to explain. See, Patreon is a website where people can support this newsletter and other things I write/make, whether it's short stories or diary comics or podcasts. You can choose how much you give, starting at $2 per month.
You: Geez, I spend like $4 a day on coffee.
Me: I know it's a new thing for some people, but I'll just be honest here: My dream (like maybe yours) is to support myself doing what I love. I love to tell and share stories and experiment with different ways to do that ... but I also need to eat and pay for childcare. So that's the challenge.
You: What are some things people can read on Patreon right now?
Me: I recently posted PUNCH JOURNAL, a 5,000-word story I wrote about a woman who believes her life would be better if she just dared to punch someone in the face. And then this week I posted a very personal and silly story about, um, my bladder. It's told in the form of a fake phone call.
You: Kinda like this one?
Me: Yep.
You: So I get the feeling you gotta go soon. Will you miss me?
Me: Madly. But you can email me anytime at whitmath@gmail.com or call/text me at 929-515-1988.
You: Or I can click my heels three times and maybe you'll appear at my doorstep ...
Me: ... with a toilet brush in one hand and a margarita in the other.
You: I love a callback!
Me: Speaking of, should I ring you again next week?
You: Sure. I promise to pick up.
Me: You better. OK then. Be well, and Happy 2020.
You: Happy 2020, Whitney.
*click*