Special bizarro edition: Whit gets weird
**Warning: This isn't the newsletter you're expecting.**
Look, everyone knows the best part of the movie is when the hero dies, the frogs plummet from the sky or we find out Naomi Watts isn't the wholesome woman we thought she was.
In other words, I've always believed that pop culture is at its best when it's WEIRD and/or SURPRISING. Which is partly why I just *couldn't* put out a normal newsletter this week and decided to, well, make stuff up instead. Is this a bad business decision? Perhaps! Or maybe, like me, you need something to shake you out of your routine ...
Here I am last weekend, scrubbing a toilet while imagining what the new Matthew Barney film looks like.
11 things I'm into right now:
1. Waking up at 3 a.m. and wondering if Jack Nicholson is OK;
2. Getting into a shared Lyft and desperately trying to acknowledge the millennial passengers ignoring my existence;
3. Standing on a freezing playground for two hours hoping one day I'll find the time to finish that Ken Burns country music doc;
4. Secretly studying YouTube eyeliner tutorials when I should be watching the Ken Burns country music doc;
5. Spending my 29th year basically copying what Winona Ryder wears in the December 1990 issue of Seventeen;
6. Shaving my legs with conditioner just to "mix it up";
7. Getting lost in Amazon reviews for SAD lamps because each one is a bizarrely compelling short story;
8. Realizing other parents at my kid's school have seen me wearing the same pants four days in a row;
9. Accidentally purchasing $11 soup at Whole Foods;
10. Trying to forget that spoiler I saw about who won The Great British Baking Show even though it haunts my dreams;
and
11. Building a Rod Stewart-style model railroad in my mind.
Retro snapshot!
10 years ago ... you had thicker hair, a higher alcohol tolerance and a very different attitude about Kevin Spacey
20 years ago ... you could stand up at a concert for hours without getting tired or going to the bathroom
30 years ago ... everyone you loved was still alive
50 years ago ... doesn't seem like such a huge chunk of time anymore, does it?
Which new movie will open with a sweeping overhead shot of New York City to "set the mood"? ALL OF THEM!
New releases:
TV: Stream CLUNK, the new series with a one-word title and indecipherable plot starring that dude who kinda looks like a hot Willie Aames ... Don't forget to catch new episodes of SEXY MEDICAL EMERGENCIES, which your mom denies watching but suspiciously won't answer the phone when it's on ... And tune in to POWDERFINGERS, the holiday-themed TV movie where a hot 30-year-old falls in love with Tom Wopat and it's totally adorable, totally normal.
MOVIES: Go see DISMEMBER!, the violent blockbuster that's gonna be huge overseas so who cares if it's good, per se ... Pay 20 bucks for TEARS ON MY TEAKETTLE, the sensitive indie that'll be available for free on Amazon Prime in a week ... And dare to watch GHOST CHEETAH, the new horror flick that could be OK, but the couple next to you will alternately be texting and rubbing each other for a full 93 minutes.
PODCASTS: Don't miss the debut of MAMA'S FAMILY MINUTE, the new podcast where two comedians dissect all 130 episodes of the Vicki Lawrence series, 60 seconds at a time ... Hear the penultimate episode of BLUE APRON PRESENTS: WHOSE BLOOD IS THIS?, the true-crime series where a reporter says words like "carnage" and "tissue samples" in a sexy near-whisper.
MUSIC: This week brings us new albums from Big Old Cellphone, Umlaut Umlaut, Clitbucket, Instapuke and several other bands we've never heard of, but we can't just keep listening to '80s songs forever, can we? CAN WE?
BIRTHDAYS:
Nov. 15: Old actress you thought was dead
Nov. 16: Drummer from band that has been disappointing you since 1996
Nov. 17: Brilliant, cutting-edge artist who still lives on ramen noodles and hope
Nov. 18: Your least favorite Baldwin brother
Nov. 19: Larry King
Nov. 20: Birthdays don't matter, we're all gonna die
Photo: Travis Baker
AFTERNOON ANGUISH: Here I am upon remembering I haven't even *started* watching episodes of The Crown, Schitt's Creek, Star Trek: Discovery, Castle Rock, Good Omens, Fargo, The Handmaid's Tale, Euphoria, Mindhunter or The Shield, which went off the air 11 years ago. Life is so hard.
"Mandalorian" is just another word for my armpit,
Get in touch via email at whitmath@gmail.com, text/voicemail at 929-515-1988 or by knocking on my door three times and saying the secret phrase: Mickey Rooney's belt.
Did you like this newsletter? Delete it immediately and don't tell a soul, because popularity breeds boredom.
Flipping it and reversing it,
Whitney (Not Whitney)
(This is what happened when I tried to draw a portrait of actor Jeff Goldblum. Tell no one.)